Saying Good-bye, Saying Hello-Oh!

I can't believe it is the last day of June. I have to say good bye to (what should have been) the first month of summer (but really wasn't until 3 days ago).

I also had to say good bye to a good friend. We met 3 years ago when I first moved to Germany. It amazes me to think that we have known each other for only 3 short years. It feels like a lot longer.

Saying good bye is a standard exercise when you are involved with expats or are one yourself.

It's hard. Every. Single. Time.

Some people get used to it. In fact, they get good at it.

Like taking pills. Or getting a shot. Or eating spinach.

Saying good bye is part of connecting with someone. Eventually, at some point in the interaction you have to part. (Siamese twins don't count.)

The parting can be the hours you are asleep, the days until the next coffee, or the weeks, months, or years until you meet again.

Some good byes are permanent, others are temporary. Some are easily managed and others are heart wrenching.

(Photo by Maja Lampe)

But good byes are important, just like taking your vitamins, getting vaccinated - and eating your spinach.

I realized this as I hugged my friend and said, "It's not good bye, because I'll see you soon."

Coping Mechanisms

Yup, you guessed it - saying I'd see her soon did not mean I had secretly planned a trip to the States. It was my emotional/mental way of coping with the idea that I couldn't pick up the phone and ask her directions.

It worked for about 30 seconds. When we hugged I burst into tears. Which is another coping mechanism. A very healthy one, in fact.

Crying is a great release. A release of toxins in your body, stress, and it makes you take a breath when you feel like you are suffocating from sadness.

Another great coping mechanism for long good byes is to plan. Yup, actually set a date when you will talk or write or see each other. This is where social media is great. Facebook is helping thousands (millions!) of people to cope with good byes.

(Photo by Stephen Eastop)

Rituals

Good byes are not only for people, but when you leave a place. Moving house or changing your job or country of residence are all part of 'leaving'. This is a kind of good bye that people often forget about, but it is just as significant.

Having closure, being able to mentally and emotionally separate from a place can almost be harder than with a person. I can see my old friends and talk to them on the telephone, but I don't have such easy access to the rose garden in Portland or the Cook Inlet of Alaska.

The only way I have figured out to cope with this kind of good bye is with a ritual. Visiting a place 'one last time' and saying good bye, taking a photo of it at that particular moment, is one way. Others have told me they had a party and really got crazy (interpret freely here).

And others lit a candle, said thank you to the place, to its spirit, and took a deep breath. Done.

(Photo by Dipu Das)

Room for Hello-OH!

With all the sadness I have felt in saying good bye to yet another friend, I had an amazing realization too. My friend has not left my circle, she has just gotten in her car and driven out of the parking lot.

Which leaves me with an open spot. Not one I will actively try to fill. But now there's space.

An opening to be filled by... a new friend, perhaps.

Take a look at your good byes and see if you can find instead of emptiness - an opening.

An invitation, perhaps, to someone, something, some place. Full of potential. Full of surprise.

On the other side of good bye - is always hello.

Contrast - THAT'S What I'm Talkin' 'Bout

Wow.

Have you ever had the feeling that people are copying you, but you know they couldn't be because you know what you're doing is just a drop-in-the-universal-bucket?

(photo by Jolka Igolka)

And then you realize that if they aren't copying you, then it must mean that you have tapped into some worldwide growing phenomenon, all on your own?!

Wow. Yeah, that's what I said at the beginning.

So, what's this all about? you might be asking... See, I get a regular email from a very insightful guy, Andy Dooley. Once a week he sends me fun art and even funner messages. This week the message was a very corny, but insightful video .

It is almost 7 minutes of wackiness. It made me laugh out loud. Something I don't do nearly enough.

But when I was done I had THAT moment. Yeah, the one I mentioned at the beginning of this post. He was talking about the importance of having a dark side, a challenge, an issue... in one's life.

(Artyom Korotkov)

He confirmed that it is a gift. Isn't that what I have been writing about?!

My favorite quote is, 'The only people on the planet who do not have problems are dead.' Yup, that about sums it up.

I would like to support and point to Andy's good work, because when you listen closely, the world is trying to tell you something.

We don't have problems - we have opportunities to learn, to grow, to discover new parts of ourselves.

(Alfonso Diaz)

So, if you'll excuse me, I have some research to do. I am going to go figure out how to mine my problems... there's sure to be some very gems in there!

When Doing Nothing IS Doing Something

I've been working with a client who is truly amazing. (Well, actually, I haven't met a client who isn't.) She is so sharp and deeply insightful. And she is very good at keeping herself so busy that she doesn't have to deal with the feelings that her deep insight brings up.

But, she took a vacation. And instead of letting go, she is struggling with not being productive.

Ever have those thoughts while you were on a holiday? "I should be getting in touch with that client." or "I really need to double check my email to see if..." It can make the idea of relaxing impossible!

It is a modern phenomenon that we all know. Unfortunately.

With our lives so intertwined with what we do, in turn making WHAT we do WHO we are, then boundaries disappear and we start struggling with the issue of work/life balance.

Don't get me wrong - I think it is incredibly powerful to be able to do something (work) that you feel passionate and deeply involved in, but it can easily turn into a lopsided affair. One where work is pitted against family, health, and partnership.

I personally think it happens when we forget to do nothing. (Let me put it another way that sounds more positive.) I mean, when we decide to just BE.

Be still. Be quiet. Be centered. Be focused. Be here.

Of course, BEING, can just take a moment, and then things in life balance out. But sometimes things are so off, that it takes more time just BEING, to get things balanced again.

"We collect data, things, people, ideas, profound experiences, never penetrating any of them ... But there are other times. There are times when we stop. We sit still. We lose ourselves in a pile of leaves or its memory. We listen and breezes from a whole other world begin to whisper."

- James Carroll

When 1 + 1 = 3

Yes, as promised, I am actually linking this back to the concept of more-than-the-sum-of-its parts theory. It is quite simple, really.

When you do nothing (1) but sit and listen to the birds (1) or play with your children (1) or read a good book (1), those deep issues, thoughts, challenges, are relegated to another part of the brain. More importantly, so is the stress (along with the toxins).

The result is a more clear, focused, balanced approach to whatever task was making the space between your eyes pinched and tight. Possibilities open up, or blocks fall away.

(Photo by Dimitri Castrique.)

And if they don't, then perhaps you haven't spent enough time doing "nothing".

When Something is More Than You Realize

I recently had a friend, who cares about things being clear and correct, pointed out that in my blog title I say, "1 + 1 (can) = 3" that, in fact, one plus one will NEVER equal three.

It is impossible.

Luckily, I have a belief in the greater-than-the-sum-of-it's-parts theory. But I thought I should provide some examples of what I mean. So, over the next few posts, I will be telling stories, submitting books, music, and movie links, and in general trying to explain how it IS POSSIBLE.

First Example

As I live in a country that is not my own, in order to function and truly live here, I have had to learn a new language. This is one of the best examples I have of where 1 + 1 = 3.

In learning German (1) I was able to communicate (1) and therefore function better and happier in my new environment. Everyone knows that is the result. If one can communicate, one can live a better life. 1 + 1 = 2

However, I also realize, after reading the book, 'Keep Your Brain Alive' by Lawrence Katz and Manning Rubin, that learning a new language, even if you don't need it for anything, will give your brain the food and firing of neural synapses. Our brains crave new input and challenge. They are made to create new paths and develop connections with other information.

(image by Lars Sundstrom)

So, guess what? Learn a new language (1) communicate ( +1) connect (+1) keep your brain healthy (+1). See, that equals a WHOLE lot more than 3!

I imagine learning to speak another language offers even more benefits than that, but for my first example of HOW 1 + 1 CAN = 3, I will stop here.

More to come. What can you think of?

Seek Out Intersections

I recently received an email from a friend and perhaps one of my first "clients" (although I put the quotes around the word because she was actually a guinea pig for my own personal explorations).

Her email gave me a wonderful insight, one I see working on lots of people's lives, not just my own.

She was a classic case of:

- Quit her job to move with her husband abroad.

- Arrives and finds she has to redefine her value, find something else to do.

- She is too young to be a housewife and has no kids.

- She has a great education, but realized she hated her current profession.

- Now What?!

Luckily, she met me. :)

E. (I will call her), was really smart and full of good ideas. She did NOT want to just sit in cafes all day or go play bridge, thank you very much. She wanted to DO SOMETHING - contribute.

Through various activities and finding the support of other women like herself, E. discovered that she loved working with horticulture. She studied engineering, which made her parents happy, but her passion was among living things, not machinery and systems.

Interestingly enough, just shortly after announcing she was going back to school to get a further degree, E. and her husband got transfered back home. (I swear, the Universe is listening...) Once there, she found a great program and got to work.

Then I got the email.

I started a new job last Thursday. My first real one in 3 years. I'm back in the energy industry, but in a very different place. It's a small company, with big ambitions, and big expectations (of me). I'm scared and inspired and excited... and having so much fun, Your comments about courage sum up how I feel about the future. Thank you....

My conclusion:

When you are confused about what to do next, especially if you are in the process of "re-making" yourself, look for intersections in your life. Look for a place where your past knowledge can be combined with your true passion, or your new passion.

(Photo by Benjamin Earwicker)

You love dogs, but have a degree in business. You feel out of shape and want to get healthy = look into starting your own dog walking or training business!

OR.....You love baking for any event, and your arts degree is collecting dust = what about creating amazing cupcakes or wedding cakes for resale at a local cafe?

I KNOW it isn't always that clear. But I bet you - if you looked closely at your current knowledge and got clear about what you LOVE = you could find a way to combine them.

This is where 1 + 1 really can equal 3.

Anyone else? I'm going to ponder more intersections in my life over a cupcake!

Courage - It's WHO You Are

So, I took a mental health day this week earlier than I normally do. Not because I was having a bad week. I planned it.

It was the last day that "The Blind Side" was playing at the local English theater, and I had to see this movie in the original.

It was a perfect day to do it too - rainy. And apparently it was a perfect day for 4 other women too. Four women that I happen to know, in this city of half a million people, only 1 of which I invited to join me. (This is when great minds think a like.)

But this post is not about the movie - not really.

Actually, I have a question for you. What do a Victorian white girl of middle-class standing who falls through a hole in the ground, and a modern day African-American boy from poverty who rises to play in the NFL, have in common?

Courage. (ˈkər-ij, ˈkə-rij\ - mental or moral strength to venture, persevere, and withstand danger, fear, or difficulty)

I realize, especially if you don't know the story of Alice in Wonderland, or haven't seen either movie, that this will be a very large leap, but don't worry. I will try to bring you with me.

In both stories, there is a HERO, someone who is totally out of their element, who must face some incredible odds, to win. And by 'win', I mean to have the LIFE they want.

Yes, that sounds pretty formulaic, but they also had to answer the question 'Who Am I' ?

And THAT was the key for both of them to manifest, persevere, and withstand 'danger, fear, AND difficulty'!

It sounds so simple. But we tend to lump answers into categories that show who we are in relation to others (sister, daughter, husband, cousin) or our profession (teacher, nurse, business consultant) or our nationality or ethnicity.

But if we dig deeper, go more towards the core of who we are - the answers get more complex and closer to the TRUTH of WHO we are.

Try this exercise:

1. Write, non-stop, for 3 minutes on the question 'Who Am I'? Go back and read what you wrote. Circle words that jump out at you.
2. Then, write for another 3 minutes on the SAME question, but do not use any of the same words as you used in the first attempt. Repeat looking forward words.
3. One more time, but only for 2 minutes, write - you guessed it - about 'Who am I?' really.

What did you find? Now, imagine that you can be this person fully and completely. You might find that to do this you need to muster your courage.

Take heart. It doesn't happen overnight. We have to practice being who we are. Yup. Once we figure it out, we need to figure out how to be ourselves every day.

(Photo by Sanja Gjenero)

But when we do - WHOA - watch out world!

(Tip: if you need inspiration, watch 'The Blind Side' or 'Alice in Wonderland'.)

Finding Your Shadow - Shining Your Light

I know it is a funny sounding title, but the more I thought about this concept, the more it made sense. I just finished listening to a video cast from Brian Johnson, creator of Philosopher's Notes, and it made me think about my own personal "dark side".

Now, he talked about it based on a book called, "Dark Side of the Light Chasers" by Debbie Ford. In his video cast Brian said that it is important to own all parts of yourself, even those parts that you don't like. Ultimately, being whole is not about being perfect, it is about loving all aspects of yourself.

So, this got me thinking about my close look at being intolerant and how that could also be a great strength for me in some situations. It was a practice in integrating a 'dark' part of myself, without even knowing it! Cool.

That got me to look at what else frustrates me about others sometimes. Impatient people came to mind. I think of myself as an extremely patient person. Almost too patient.

A-HA! That's it. Why am I so patient? What if I wasn't? What is good about NOT being patient? Again, doing this switch-a-roo has got me to look at the strengths of a trait I do not like. Interestingly enough, I am least patient with myself.

A-HA! Again. So, what if I was more patient with myself (yes, practicing self-care, nurturing time for me, self-forgiveness etc.) and less patient with others? There could actually be positive effects. Wow. It is mindblowing.

I am going to try it.

Because ultimately, what Brian reminded me of was something very important:

We see in others what we see in ourselves. If we see weakness, impatience, intolerance, we see the shadow. However, we can also see creativity, resourcefulness, tolerance, patience, and love. We can shine our own light.

My conclusion: I can't find my shadow if I am not shining my light. You can't have one without the other. Again, it is not about perfection - it is about WHOLENESS.

What keeps you from being whole?